not ready for Goodbye~

Ayah is sadly missed .. I’ve been feelin a strange pain inside, almoz every single day, it all started about 4 month ago, when my Ayah went away. They said that God took him far away, to a very special place, they said I shouldn’t cry or worry, cause someday, I’ll see my Ayah’s handsome face, I don’t care what they say, they donno what’s in my heart, all I know is that my Ayah is gone, and it’s tearin me apart. I miss him soooooo very much, I just donno what to do, I wanna hug him, kiss him, and wait his repeatedly morning msg ‘morning dear, hv a nice day. Love u’

what about when my birthday comes, who will buy my presents?, what about when I graduate, who will sit besides mak in my graduate picture? I miss u terribly ayah..

.:: The death of my ayah ::.

Walking down the hospital corridor
I grip hold of my mum’s hand,
Fighting against the tears.

I’v make too many phone calls.

To relatives, ayah’s friends and my friends..
Because, only half an hour ago,
I had been told my father can’t be save nymore.

Pleaz tell me it was just a mistake,

Just another misdiagnosis

And only half an hour ago,

The doctor told that he can’t do nytin..

And the half an hour had passed…

The male Indian doctor called me from the counter

‘u r his daughter’ he asked

I just nodded my head slowly..

‘can you give me your ic?’

‘I left it in the car.. but why doc?’

‘actually your dad had passed away at 5.10am’

I freeze on the spot

I glanced at the clock near the counter and it shows 5.15am

‘ go and tell your mom. I just can’t tell her directly..

Afraid that she’ll shock terribly’

OMG! No words.. just tears.. only tears..

Then I walked emotionlessly to my mum..

Mum repeatedly says syahadah to ayah’s ear..

I feel my mum’s arms around me.
Smell the comforting smell of her
Feel her heartbeat
And then, I realize… I’m crying hysterically...

‘Mak,, angah tak sempat nak mintak maaf kat ayah pun..

Doctor cakap ayah dah tak ada’

And my mom calmly say..

‘tak apa, ayah dah maafkan kita semua.. ayah dah tak ada dah ya angah..’

I'm not ready for goodbye

Not ready for the end,
Not ready for this reality.
I'm not ready for this life,
one without you in it.
I'm not ready for your goodbye.
maybe someone else's,
anyone else's,
just not yours,
never ever yours.

Again..

I’v make too many phone calls..

To relatives, ayah’s friends n my friends..
Because, only half a minutes ago,
I had been told my father had passed away.

I just donno how to put a words..

Just..

‘ni angah, ayah dah tak ada.. (cryin)’

I feel so alone.
What can I take from this?
My heart is completely crushed

……………..

My ayah was diagnosed with cancer December 3, 2008 at 3.20am… He died December 3, 2008 at 5.10am… Everyday without him is like hell on earth… I luv him more than I ever thought I could luv someone… He was my best friend.. Some days, it hurts so much we just cant take it... but after all,, thanks God cause my ayah didn’t suffer much like anyone else with cancer.. lung cancer.. to weird to be relate with ayah.. he dont even smoke.. he is too in love with sports.. besides,, he don’t even have the normal pakcik makcik ‘s penyakit.. not darah tinggi,, not even kencing manis.. hmm.. the doctor also don’t have the clue about the cancer.. ayah was in the ward for 5 days and only some of my relatives knew.. well,, should I call them all and tell ‘ayah masuk wad sebab batuk’. Does it make sense? Huuu.. yup.. at first,, the only reason is batuk.. its just happen too fast.. toooooooooo fast for the lost.. n to be proud,, ayah do lafaz kalimah syahadah on his own for about 10 times repeatedly and smoothly.. Alhamdulillah..

Hmm.. my tears keep fallin.. can’t help it nymore..

Dear ayah, angah sayang ayah sangat2.. ayah tawu kan??